Erik's Birthday Presents
by IChooseTheScorpion
Summary: Originally written for PFN's Humor Writing Contest. It is Erik's birthday and Christine is determined to get him a useful present. What she gets him, however, causes more trouble than it is worth.


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**Erik's Birthday Presents**

by

IChooseTheScorpion

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**A/N:** This was originally written for the Humor Writing Contest on PFN (in which it received 3rd place out of 14). It is random, yes, it is full of allusions, yes, and anyone who can name them all gets a free penguin. Happy reading!

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**Summary:** Originall;y written for PFN's Humor Writing Contest. It is Erik's birthday and Christine is determined to get him a useful present. What she gets him, however, causes more trouble than it is worth.

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**Disclaimer:** I don't own PotO, and neither does ALW, SK, Terry Pratchett, Joel Schumacher, Robert Englund, Ken Hill, Yeston or Kopit, Charles Dance, Lon Chaney, any of the director's of the bajillion films, any fot he writers of the bajillion books, or anyone except for Gaston Leroux. And I already asked him if I could borrow his characters for a day. I don't know what he said exactly, because I don't speak French, but I'm sure he won't mind.

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"But it's his birthday!" Christine protested in her exclamation point voice. She couldn't explain it, but ever since she was very little, she had these extraordinarily compelling urges to speak with exclamation points; when combined with question marks as they often were, the listener was subjected to an onslaught of excited queries.

"That," Christine's husband, Raoul, said, "does not matter."

"We should give him a present!" Christine pouted, using her extra-pouty voice and combining it with her low-cut shirt to distract the Vicomte's easily distracted mind.

"Sure, sure we can give him a present," Raoul said, his eyes predictably straying down to the neckline of Christine's dress. "But not _this_ present."

"Why not!"

"Because you are my wife and I don't feel comfortable sharing my er...husbandly rights with another man."

"Oh, well...Raoul, that's silly!" Christine pouted some more.

"Yes, well, I have often been described as 'silly' so why rock the boat now. We'll go to Le Best Buy later. Now, I'd like a peanut butter sandwich please."

"Crusts or no crusts!" Christine asked, pulling out the jar of jelly.

"No crusts, see-ah voose plate," Raoul responded.

Erik was sitting on his lovely new purple beanbag chair, courtesy of Mme. Giry, watching Giecko commercials, when his cell phone rang.

"Oh, that gecko," Erik laughed maniacally to himself, simultaneously pirouetting and frying an egg while still managing to hum along with his ringtone. "DUN! Dun, dun, dun, dun, duuuun...Yello?"

_"Yellow!"_ the voice at the other end of the line echoed.

Easily recognizing the exclamation point-question mark combination, Erik explained the slang-ish term in a very slow, clear voice to Christine. "It's like saying 'Hello' but cooler because it's almost like saying 'Yeah, hello' in one go...understand?"

There was a pause, then: _"Can raspberry pudding be considered a writing utensil!"_

"Yes, and your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries," Erik responded in his super-sarcastic tone that he reserved only for Christine, the Vicomte, and Chewbacca.

_"Really! Well, isn't _that_ interesting!"_ Christine responded eagerly. "_Listen, Erik!"_ There was another pause. "_Alright, are you listening!"_

"Oui," Erik answered uneasily, wary of Christine's extra exclamation points.

_"Exactly! We! Except, not you-and-I-we, but Raoul-and-I-we! We, Raoul and I, that is, bought you a birthday present! Feliz Cupleaños!"_

"Christine," Erik gasped, "I didn't know you spoke Spanish!"

_"I don't!"_ Christine answered.

"Oh," Erik said, unsure of how to respond. "Alright."

Another pause. _"Yes, well! Raoul and I bought you a birthday present, and now we are on our way to drop it off at the Rue Scribe entrance, alright!_" There was a scraping noise, and then a scuffling noise, then a squeak. _"Okay! We're here! Okay, so here I go! Exiting the carriage now! Oh, thank you Raoul! And walking over to the entrance, as we speak-!"_

"Do you want me to go up there?" Erik asked, standing and walking to the door, knowing full well that the second he stepped out of the door he would lose the signal. When one lives a half mile underground, one does not get good reception on one's cell phone, especially if that 'one' is so unlucky a person as the Phantom of the Opera.

_"No! Erik, don't trouble yourself! I'll just drop it down that little handy dandy newspaper chute that you installed after the seven hundred and sixty-fifth newspaper boy was killed! Okay, here I go, opening the chute door!"_ SQUEAK! _"And now-!"_ SHWOOP, SWIiIiIiiiiiiiishhhhh... _"There! It's done! Happy birthday, Erik! I hope you like it! Lata, playa!"_

"I didn't know you spoke gangsta!" Erik commented, noticing the increasingly louder sliding noise of whatever the present was dropping into his lair.

_"I don't! Bye!_" And with that, the phone clicked and was quiet.

FWOP! The thin, flat box landed on a pile of unread newspapers. Ever since he had installed the chute and no lonegr had to kill the newspaper boys to receive the _Epoque_, Erik had discovered that all novelty was lost and had ceased to even read the silly, gossipy paper.

The Opera Ghost cautiously made his way over to the box, which was, oddly enough, not wrapped at all but had cow spots sprinted right on the box. With a sigh, Erik listed and opened the box staring at the silvery contraption within. There was also a rather large instruction booklet that read: "How to Take Care of Your New Gateway Laptop".

A few hours later, Erik had read the entire booklet and was quickly learning how to care for his new gateway laptop., when his cell phone rang.

"DUN! Dun, dun, dun, dun, duuun," he sang along, flipping the tiny thing open and holding it to his ear. "Yello?"

"_Again with the 'yellow', Erik!" _came the familiar exclaim-inquiry of his only love.

"It is another-never mind. What?"

"_Wait...what what!"_

"Why did you call?"

_"Why did I c...Oh! Yes! I almost forgot! Raoul and I forgot to give you the other half of your present! If Raoul hadn't tripped on it when we were getting out of the carriage, we might have forgotten about it completely and _then_ where would you have been!"_

"Um...here?"

_"Well, yes but...okay, so here it comes!_"

Sure enough, seconds later, a small package with curly orange ribbons fell onto the newspaper pile.

"Er, Merci" Erik said, walking to pick the package up. Turning it over in his hands, he heard something jiggle and he wondered what it could be.

_"No need to ask for mercy! Happy Birthday, again, Erik! Toodles!"_

"What on earth does toodles me-" but before he could finish, a resounding click cut him off. With a sigh, Erik opened the decorative package and pulled out a few cords, a disc, and a fat booklet that read "How to Use and Care for Your New Internet System Without Going Completely Insane (If You Aren't Already)".

A few days later, Erik was finally getting the hang of his computer and Internet system. He had an email, website, several accounts on message boards, and was instant messaging people by the dozen when he saw that someone he didn't know had added him to their buddy list. He decided to ask who this person was and what they wanted:

**iH8f0pZ** **says: **Who is this?

**XteenDie-A says: **HI! Do u like ur nu comp.!

**IH8f0pZ says: **Christine?

**XteenDie-A says: **Ya, silly! Who else!

**iH8f0pZ** **says:**...no one, I suppose. How are you?

**XteenDie-A says: **Great! How r u!

**iH8f0pZ** **says: **Other than the bit about living underground and being deformed, alone, and unloved?

**XteenDie-A says: **Ya, other than all that!

**iH8f0pZ** **says:**...Sarcasm does not communicate well over the Internet.

**XteenDie-A says: **Hey, didja c that kewl new comp. Game!

**iH8f0pZ** **says: **Oh, yes, that one.

**XteenDie-A says: **Isnt it awsom!

**iH8f0pZ** **says:**...:le sigh: That was more sarcasm, my dear.

**XteenDie-A says: **oOo ;D (!)

**iH8f0pZ** **says: **What?

**XteenDie-A says: **XD Silly!

**iH8f0pZ** **says:**...Pardon?

**XteenDie-A says: **ROFLOL! Ur so funny! Or wud it b 'phunny'!

**iH8f0pZ** **says: **Er...I'm unsure as to what you are talking about...or, rather, typing about.

**XteenDie-A says: **Nvm. N e ways, i g2g! Ttyl, k! XOXO, cya l8r! Ttytmm!

**iH8f0pZ** **says:**...Wait, what?

**XteenDie-A says: **Luv ya!

**iH8f0pZ** **says: **Um...

**XteenDie-A says: **Bye!

**iH8f0pZ** **says: **Oh. Au revoir.

**XteenDie-A says: **...Wut!

**iH8f0pZ** **says: **Never mind. Good bye.

That extremely frightening experience over and done with, Erik began to scan the Internet looking for new Harry Potter message boards to join, as the Harry Potterheads were such deep conversationalists. Just as he was about to enter one, a flashing banner came up across the page and, since it is common knowledge that Phantom have an affinity for flashing things, shiny objects, and cheese, Erik clicked it.

"_Hey, baby...how _you_ doin' tonight?" _Came a sultry voice from his speakers. Erik looked around, wondering if Nadir was playing his 'seduce Erik' game again.

"Nadir!" he called out just in case. "It's not funny!" Silence except for some rather horrible, slow music playing from the speakers. "Fool me once, shame one you! Fool me five hundred and fifty-four times, shame on you too! Fool me five hundred and fifty-five times...shame on me!"

"_Come on inside_," the voice continued. "_Wanna play?_"

Erik turned his attention back to the computer screen, ignoring 'Nadir'. What he saw made his eyes widen behind the mask.

A very scantily clad...woman...was beckoning him with her index finger. She rolled over onto her back and licked her crimson lips, upside down.

_"Hey, sexy,_" she purred.

Erik looked around the empty bat cave warily, then turned back to the monitor. "Who, me?" he asked.

"_It's only you and me here,"_ she announced huskily, sitting up and pushing her bosoms together to create a rather visually appealing effect.

"Well, yes, I suppose..." Erik murmured softly, hypnotized.

"_Wanna have some fun?" _she asked softly, running her own hands down her legs.

"Um, well-"

Without waiting for his answer, the woman proceeded to enter a series of provocative poses, each more scandalous than the last.

"MADAME!" Erik roared, slamming his notebook laptop shut with a _snap_! "There will be none of that in _my_ home!"

Breathing heavily, Erik found it rather difficult to walk to the kitchen, where he proceeded to make himself a bologna sandwich, trying to erase the woman's image from his scarred mind. First he tried signing: "My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R..." Then he tried dancing, but that ended rather badly when his refrigerator fell onto Ayesha's tail. Finally, he decided to go jump in the freezing cold lake. That worked pretty well, and Erik returned to the computer. Picking it up carefully, he walked slowly to the edge of the shore, then walked around the edge of the lake until he came to a hill that ended abruptly in a cliff. After repeatedly falling into the lake back when he was younger, Erik had decided to install a railing to ensure that he didn't fall in again.

Erik held the laptop, balancing it precariously on his hands, then stepped up onto the bottom rung and, with a quiet cry, let the notebook fall into the subterranean lake and sink to the bottom, never to be used for evil again.

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**A/N:** :reads what she wrote: Jesus on a cracker, I am on crack. Review if you like!


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